Well, that didn't last long...  One post every 3 years.  I think I am going to have to get better about this.  I also think that I am going to try again.  Maybe.  We will see.

So, these last 10 months have been rough. Emotionally.  It all began with the shootings in Sandy Hook.  I cried.  A lot.  I just don't understand how someone can be deranged that shooting innocent children is the answer to their problems.  It is just dumb. 

A couple of weeks later, my friend's daughter was killed in an accidental shooting the day after Christmas.  She was only 20.  She had her whole life in front of her.  I got the call from her mom and she asked if I had watched the news yet.  I had not.  Ciara was on life support and was not expected to live.  I remember thinking that Lisa (the mom) was calling and playing a really sick joke.  That is all that I could comprehend.  I did not believe it.  Honestly, I still don't.  I had to tell everyone at work.  It was a horrible day.  We were all stunned and had no idea what to do.  I can not imagine the pain that my friend was dealing with.  I have children only 1 year younger than each of hers.  It breaks my heart.  Still.  I talk to her about Ciara any time she wants to talk.  I can see the joy in her eyes when she tells a story about something silly Ciara had done or said.  Her face lights up.  But behind that light is a darkness, a pain, that I can see but can't understand the depth of. 

A couple of days later, a boy that my oldest son, Nick, had been in Cub Scouts with years earlier was shot and killed too.  Another stupid accidental shooting.  However, this group was doing drugs.  I don't know what kind and it really doesn't matter.  Another kid was gone.  At 19, he could have cleaned up his act and done so much with his life. 

Babies.  They were all just babies.  With so much life potential in front of them.  They all had families that loved them beyond words.  I know that.  I feel that.  I live that.  I can't imagine a world without my children.  Nick and Sam are what makes the world revolve for me.  Getting to see how their lives come together is exciting for me to see.  I want grandchildren, in a long time from now.  I want to see them grow into amazing men.  The moms of those babies that died will never get any of that.  My pain is for them.  My sorrow is for them.  I have guilt that I am glad that I am not them.  I have tears that stream down my face because I know that they will never get to hug their babies again.  I don't ever want to be a part of that club.

Nick left in August to join the Army.  He is gone.  My heart and my house feels empty.  I am still here.  My husband is still here.  Sam is still here.  The cats are still here.  But, my house still feels empty.  I miss him terribly.  I am excited for him that he is moving on with what he wants from his life.  The Army has been his dream.  He is living it.  I am just afraid that I will become part of that club.  You know, that club that I mentioned above.  The moms without their babies club. I don't want to be a part of that.  And I am scared.

So, life has been emotionally exhausting for many months.  I have still had some good times.  I have hope in my life.  I have great friends, full cupboards, a roof over my head, a job that I generally enjoy, a mostly patient husband, and my children that can hug me back.  That is pretty great.  Life will still sometimes be sad, painfully sad, but I am starting to see the light again.  And that is pretty great too.

I will be back.  With a vengeance.  And with more happiness.  There is a light.

And so it begins...

So, this is my first post. I like to talk. However, there is not always someone around that is willing to listen. You see, I am living in a world of men. I have one husband (and that is plenty) and two teen aged boys (and that is more than plenty as well). I am surrounded. And surrendered. This is more for self preservation than anything else. I think that this may become a perfect outlet for things I think I need to say. I think I am witty, so I will be able to re-read my entries and just giggle. In my head. Because that's what I like to do.

I have a different writing style I think. I can make choppy sentences. That is ok. Again, they are like the thoughts in my head and occasionally they are choppy too. Since this is more just for me than anything else, I am ok with my choppy sentences. So there.

I am 38. When I was 8ish, 38 was OLD. I mean really old. Like nursing home old. Now that I am 38, I still think it's old. But not nursing home old. Only like holding onto the handrail while walking down the stairs old. Even if there is only 2 steps. But I am trying to learn to live with it. I think by the time I learn to live with it though, I will be onto the next stage; The "Putting The Hanky Into Your Bra Strap Old" stage. Sigh...

Yesterday I made an error in judgement. Like how much time was left to let someone else bid on an item so I did not have to buy it while shopping on Ebay error. I am now the not-so-proud owner of a Cricut Expression. It is not that I don't want one. I just don't want one now. I have an electronic cutter already, a Silhouette. I like it. It works just fine. I would like something that could cut 12 x 12 but I can cut 8 x whatever and I am able to live with it. I did get a great deal on the Expression, but I still don't know what I was thinking. Well, I wasn't thinking. That is part of the problem. So, now I have an Expression on it's way to me. I will try to sell the thing off and will probably have to reduce the price as a stupid tax on myself. Dumb. Since I already have to pay for the cruise that I am going on in December. Alone. Without my family. Which brings me to the next thing...

The cruise. So I am not really going alone. I am going with 700 of my closest online community friends. I am a Disney person. Well, really more of a fanatic. But I see nothing wrong with that. At all. Don't judge me. It is rude. Anyway, I went on an Adventures by Disney trip with 43 of those same closest online friends and the vast majority of them are going on the Disney cruise in December. I just have to go. There are Disney legends that will be on board and we will have the opportunity to hear amazing stories of the Parks, the Movies and The Disney Men. I am very excited. I talked about going with one person from the ABD trip because the person that she was planning was not sure if she could go. I had not heard from her for awhile and so I put it out of my head assuming that it was just not going to happen. It was ok. There would be other trips. They would not have all the Dissers on it and the Disney Legends would not be sailing the same ship, but it would be ok. Right? Well, I tried telling myself that anyway. So fast forward a couple of weeks. I get a message from Tonya, another ABD/Disser and her parents can't go on the cruise like they were supposed to and would I like to go? Would I???? You bet. A couple of messages and one phone call later, I am in! Whoo-hoo! And the cruise leaves out of Port Canaveral in FL. It isthisclose to Disney World. So, what's a girl to do? Extend her trip of course to allow extra days in the parks! So, now I have to pay for all this. Hence the need to NOT buy a Cricut Expression.

Well, that is the first of many musings. Only time will tell what other messes I will get myself into. That is all for now. I am off to buy laundry detergent to engage in yet another one of my passions; laundry...