Well, that didn't last long...  One post every 3 years.  I think I am going to have to get better about this.  I also think that I am going to try again.  Maybe.  We will see.

So, these last 10 months have been rough. Emotionally.  It all began with the shootings in Sandy Hook.  I cried.  A lot.  I just don't understand how someone can be deranged that shooting innocent children is the answer to their problems.  It is just dumb. 

A couple of weeks later, my friend's daughter was killed in an accidental shooting the day after Christmas.  She was only 20.  She had her whole life in front of her.  I got the call from her mom and she asked if I had watched the news yet.  I had not.  Ciara was on life support and was not expected to live.  I remember thinking that Lisa (the mom) was calling and playing a really sick joke.  That is all that I could comprehend.  I did not believe it.  Honestly, I still don't.  I had to tell everyone at work.  It was a horrible day.  We were all stunned and had no idea what to do.  I can not imagine the pain that my friend was dealing with.  I have children only 1 year younger than each of hers.  It breaks my heart.  Still.  I talk to her about Ciara any time she wants to talk.  I can see the joy in her eyes when she tells a story about something silly Ciara had done or said.  Her face lights up.  But behind that light is a darkness, a pain, that I can see but can't understand the depth of. 

A couple of days later, a boy that my oldest son, Nick, had been in Cub Scouts with years earlier was shot and killed too.  Another stupid accidental shooting.  However, this group was doing drugs.  I don't know what kind and it really doesn't matter.  Another kid was gone.  At 19, he could have cleaned up his act and done so much with his life. 

Babies.  They were all just babies.  With so much life potential in front of them.  They all had families that loved them beyond words.  I know that.  I feel that.  I live that.  I can't imagine a world without my children.  Nick and Sam are what makes the world revolve for me.  Getting to see how their lives come together is exciting for me to see.  I want grandchildren, in a long time from now.  I want to see them grow into amazing men.  The moms of those babies that died will never get any of that.  My pain is for them.  My sorrow is for them.  I have guilt that I am glad that I am not them.  I have tears that stream down my face because I know that they will never get to hug their babies again.  I don't ever want to be a part of that club.

Nick left in August to join the Army.  He is gone.  My heart and my house feels empty.  I am still here.  My husband is still here.  Sam is still here.  The cats are still here.  But, my house still feels empty.  I miss him terribly.  I am excited for him that he is moving on with what he wants from his life.  The Army has been his dream.  He is living it.  I am just afraid that I will become part of that club.  You know, that club that I mentioned above.  The moms without their babies club. I don't want to be a part of that.  And I am scared.

So, life has been emotionally exhausting for many months.  I have still had some good times.  I have hope in my life.  I have great friends, full cupboards, a roof over my head, a job that I generally enjoy, a mostly patient husband, and my children that can hug me back.  That is pretty great.  Life will still sometimes be sad, painfully sad, but I am starting to see the light again.  And that is pretty great too.

I will be back.  With a vengeance.  And with more happiness.  There is a light.